1. Did Cher Horowitz really settle for Paul Rudd after saving herself for Luke Perry? Luckily and if you’ve seen Luke lately, you know it wasn’t the woooorst decision in the world.
2. There should really be weight limits for bathing suit shopping. There is no reason why we all have to suffer watching a fat person in a fringe bikini desperately try to get all 300lbs on top of the raft.
3. There are three types of people to stay away from based on movie choices: Men who’s favorite movie is “American Psycho,” mothers of toddler girls that haven’t seen “Frozen,” and elementary school students who watch “Chucky” movies.
4. Balloons are the fucking worst. When they start to lose air, they float into your room in the middle of the night when the air conditioner is on and scare the shit out of you and force you to wake up your husband to stab it, take out the air, and put it in the fucking trash before you put him in the trash for buying it.
In honor of Valentine’s Day and “throw back Thursday”, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you: The Manly Men of Yesteryear.
These men are REAL MEN. The ones women fantasize about while they look across the dinner table at their husband wearing skinny jeans, thick glasses with no prescription lenses, and part time jobs.
The men of yesteryear did not own small dogs, they did not kill a spider in the bathroom by throwing a book at it, they did not drink blended alcoholic beverages and they did not diet.
Let’s take a moment to remember the good ole days.
1. SICK CHILD: When my daughter was a baby and got sick, she would cuddle with me and sleep all day and I’d feel bad for even the slightest runny nose she had to suffer with. Now that she’s four years old, the only time she comes near me is to sneeze on my face and shove Kleenex at me to wipe her nose. Newsflash: If you can wipe your ass, you can wipe your own nose.
2. GETTING DRESSED: There was a time it would take 5 minutes to get my daughter dressed and out of the house. I’d pick out some fabulous outfit only me and my friends on instagram would appreciate, grab my diaper bag and we’d be out of there. Now, it’s like a 40 minute process of 10 outfit changes and chasing her through the house with a hair brush. When did she become Paris Hilton?
3. CAR RIDES: The days of the car seat facing backwards with those crinkly toys and fuzzy books that keep them occupied before they pass out is something I miss often. Now I have a midget back seat driver who wants to listen to the same songs on repeat as background noise for the 100 questions about where we are going, what we are going to do after that and if she can get a new toy for no reason at all.
1. The scariest part of parenting is realizing your worst traits were passed down to your child. My daughter can be such a tricky little beeeyatch. I love when my husband tries to out smart her. I applaud his efforts and wish the world a ton of luck.
2. Electric and water bills are among the list of shit that gets more expensive as your child gets older. Now that my daughter has decided that darkness is terrifying and taking a shower/bath combo is the most efficient way to get clean, there will be no more water for fishies and she doesn’t give a fuck. Really. I asked her if she wanted to save water for the fish and she said no.
3. Marriage means bringing your wife coffee first thing in the morning so she can play superhero-ballet-mommy and entertain all day so you can watch football and complain there is no food in the house.
4. I’m going to have to move to a place where preteens aren’t wearing crop tops, bootie shorts and knee high boots like it ain’t no thang because my daughter is so not dressing like a hood rat and clearly that’s some sort of style going on right now. Perhaps Alaska is somewhat safe? Suggestion box is open.
5. Hot steamy shower sex like in the movies isn’t possible. At least not when you are living on or below the poverty line because your shower is barely big enough for you to wash your hair without breaking an elbow through the glass door and creativity gets you nowhere when you bath in a shoe box with a spout.
1. Cold weather. I love everything about the cold. By cold, of course I mean 50 degrees and not something insane like 10 degrees. Just cold enough to complain about, drink hot chocolate without sweating, and wear a coat to cover the extra body fat you have from all the holiday parties.
2. Having a 4 year old daughter. She’s old enough to worship me and yet too young to know I’m totally insane. Nothing makes me happier than arguing with a mini version of myself and knowing that my stubborn ways have been passed down for another generation to deal with.
3. Amazon Prime. It’s like Target without dumb ass fat white people and the risk of getting shopping cart aids. You can buy all sorts of random shit for the same price and get it sent to your house in 2 days.
4. Being Married. Not that being married is awesome, it’s just better than the things that come with being Jewish AND single. Never again do I have to spend a first date listening to the day in the life of a balding, fugly Jew. Never again do I have to listen to my Grandmother ask me if I’m seeing anyone and what my ex-boyfriend is doing.
5. Having a job. I can’t imagine homeless people loving the fact that they live in a cardboard box / on a pile of trash. Never being able to buy food when you are hungry or booze when you are watching sports on a television you don’t have is the most depressing thought in the world. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I (and all my fellow “Hollywood assistants”) make minimum wage, I’m like one steakhouse dinner away from being the stench you walk by on the 3rd Street Promenade.