In honor of Valentine’s Day and “throw back Thursday”, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you: The Manly Men of Yesteryear.
These men are REAL MEN. The ones women fantasize about while they look across the dinner table at their husband wearing skinny jeans, thick glasses with no prescription lenses, and part time jobs.
The men of yesteryear did not own small dogs, they did not kill a spider in the bathroom by throwing a book at it, they did not drink blended alcoholic beverages and they did not diet.
Let’s take a moment to remember the good ole days.
1. SICK CHILD: When my daughter was a baby and got sick, she would cuddle with me and sleep all day and I’d feel bad for even the slightest runny nose she had to suffer with. Now that she’s four years old, the only time she comes near me is to sneeze on my face and shove Kleenex at me to wipe her nose. Newsflash: If you can wipe your ass, you can wipe your own nose.
2. GETTING DRESSED: There was a time it would take 5 minutes to get my daughter dressed and out of the house. I’d pick out some fabulous outfit only me and my friends on instagram would appreciate, grab my diaper bag and we’d be out of there. Now, it’s like a 40 minute process of 10 outfit changes and chasing her through the house with a hair brush. When did she become Paris Hilton?
3. CAR RIDES: The days of the car seat facing backwards with those crinkly toys and fuzzy books that keep them occupied before they pass out is something I miss often. Now I have a midget back seat driver who wants to listen to the same songs on repeat as background noise for the 100 questions about where we are going, what we are going to do after that and if she can get a new toy for no reason at all.
1. The scariest part of parenting is realizing your worst traits were passed down to your child. My daughter can be such a tricky little beeeyatch. I love when my husband tries to out smart her. I applaud his efforts and wish the world a ton of luck.
2. Electric and water bills are among the list of shit that gets more expensive as your child gets older. Now that my daughter has decided that darkness is terrifying and taking a shower/bath combo is the most efficient way to get clean, there will be no more water for fishies and she doesn’t give a fuck. Really. I asked her if she wanted to save water for the fish and she said no.
3. Marriage means bringing your wife coffee first thing in the morning so she can play superhero-ballet-mommy and entertain all day so you can watch football and complain there is no food in the house.
4. I’m going to have to move to a place where preteens aren’t wearing crop tops, bootie shorts and knee high boots like it ain’t no thang because my daughter is so not dressing like a hood rat and clearly that’s some sort of style going on right now. Perhaps Alaska is somewhat safe? Suggestion box is open.
5. Hot steamy shower sex like in the movies isn’t possible. At least not when you are living on or below the poverty line because your shower is barely big enough for you to wash your hair without breaking an elbow through the glass door and creativity gets you nowhere when you bath in a shoe box with a spout.
1. Cold weather. I love everything about the cold. By cold, of course I mean 50 degrees and not something insane like 10 degrees. Just cold enough to complain about, drink hot chocolate without sweating, and wear a coat to cover the extra body fat you have from all the holiday parties.
2. Having a 4 year old daughter. She’s old enough to worship me and yet too young to know I’m totally insane. Nothing makes me happier than arguing with a mini version of myself and knowing that my stubborn ways have been passed down for another generation to deal with.
3. Amazon Prime. It’s like Target without dumb ass fat white people and the risk of getting shopping cart aids. You can buy all sorts of random shit for the same price and get it sent to your house in 2 days.
4. Being Married. Not that being married is awesome, it’s just better than the things that come with being Jewish AND single. Never again do I have to spend a first date listening to the day in the life of a balding, fugly Jew. Never again do I have to listen to my Grandmother ask me if I’m seeing anyone and what my ex-boyfriend is doing.
5. Having a job. I can’t imagine homeless people loving the fact that they live in a cardboard box / on a pile of trash. Never being able to buy food when you are hungry or booze when you are watching sports on a television you don’t have is the most depressing thought in the world. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I (and all my fellow “Hollywood assistants”) make minimum wage, I’m like one steakhouse dinner away from being the stench you walk by on the 3rd Street Promenade.
Remember that episode when Carrie goes to a kids party and has to take off her shoes when she walks in and then someone takes her manolos? (They could be another designer but it’s been a few years so forgive me)
Well. This. Just. Happened. Not to me, but to my daughter, who’s 4. She was forced to take off her shoes, which are from Harry Harris. Already suspect right? If you live in LA you know this rip off shoe scam that is Harry Harris. But they notoriously have the hottest shoes in town for only triple the retail price. Anywho…Needless to say, she’s going home barefoot and I’m out $65.
This is what children do. Suck your funds dry. I’m just hoping I have more dignity than Carrie and not go ask the family to reimburse me for special edition light up sneakers. Still debating. They were pretty sick.
Four year olds are the best because they start really getting a personality and you can decipher the weak from the strong even in the early months of preschool.
1. I love walking my daughter into her classroom and seeing these little girls do the once over look immediately upon arrival. “Oh I have that shirt!” or “Why does she get to wear a dress when you said I couldn’t wear a dress.” Meanwhile, the boys are busy playing with trucks and blocks. It’s proof that all girls are born bitches, or we just flock to the same schools.
2. Halloween is the only holiday where a four year olds future whore tendencies are revealed. While my daughter chose a full onesie outfit (thank god for now), I am wondering why there is a girl standing next to her trying on a cheerleader outfit and crying because its “too big”. How do four year olds even know what a cheerleader is? I was a cheerleader, so I’m not judging them (in this blog), but if your kid wants to wear a tiny shirt and a mini skirt and cheer for boys at age 4, what is the plan at age 14?
3. Why don’t these boys tell my daughter and her friends to stop putting tiara’s and princess dresses on them? Is this the future of our country? Men who won’t stand up to women? Guess these kids are smarter than I thought.
4. There isn’t a day that goes by where my daughter doesn’t demand to bring some form of toy with her to school. It’s the fucking worst thing ever. She’ll forget it as we are walking out to the car, then cry until we go back inside the house to get it, then get to school and leave it in her cubby and forget to bring it home then cry about leaving it at school the second I walk through the door from being at work all day. I know I’m not alone here.
5. Kids always want to eat what everyone else is eating - that isn’t healthy. One kid had yogurt with candy on top, that’s all my daughter wanted for weeks. Another kid had that faux cheese and crackers with a stick that she can’t use to spread to save her life and still she demanded I buy it. This is how peanut allergy deaths start.
1. The worst thing about marriage is waking up to someone else’s morning breath and not being able to hide from it.
2. Why do the phones at my office sound like a Dotson car horn having sex with a mentally retarded duck?
3. Who dresses up as a clown for Halloween other than serial killers, pedophiles, and toddlers with stupid parents?
4. We all know you are a whore, you don’t need to wear a costume from Fredrick’s of Hollywood to confirm it.
5. Leave Lamar alone. Let him smoke some fucking crack. Just as long as he isn’t playing for the Lakers I don’t see why anyone cares.
6. Hair cuts and high heels can hide bloating, but not obesity.
7. Perhaps the line at Starbucks would be way shorter if they didn’t offer 12 different ways to make each of their drinks.
8.Scenario #1: there’s 3 minutes left in the Superbowl and the score is tied. Your wife is drunk and wants to have sex before passing out. Who thinks the man doesn’t choose football?
9. The best way to keep a toddler busy is telling them to find Waldo on each page of those life size books.
10. Fuck all the waiters who roll their eyes when you ask them for more napkins. Next time, I’m going there with 10 toddlers and asking for your section.