1. Cold weather. I love everything about the cold. By cold, of course I mean 50 degrees and not something insane like 10 degrees. Just cold enough to complain about, drink hot chocolate without sweating, and wear a coat to cover the extra body fat you have from all the holiday parties.
2. Having a 4 year old daughter. She’s old enough to worship me and yet too young to know I’m totally insane. Nothing makes me happier than arguing with a mini version of myself and knowing that my stubborn ways have been passed down for another generation to deal with.
3. Amazon Prime. It’s like Target without dumb ass fat white people and the risk of getting shopping cart aids. You can buy all sorts of random shit for the same price and get it sent to your house in 2 days.
4. Being Married. Not that being married is awesome, it’s just better than the things that come with being Jewish AND single. Never again do I have to spend a first date listening to the day in the life of a balding, fugly Jew. Never again do I have to listen to my Grandmother ask me if I’m seeing anyone and what my ex-boyfriend is doing.
5. Having a job. I can’t imagine homeless people loving the fact that they live in a cardboard box / on a pile of trash. Never being able to buy food when you are hungry or booze when you are watching sports on a television you don’t have is the most depressing thought in the world. Unfortunately, due to the fact that I (and all my fellow “Hollywood assistants”) make minimum wage, I’m like one steakhouse dinner away from being the stench you walk by on the 3rd Street Promenade.